jaybaycub

turning 27....

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 01:19:17 GMT

Well ....hmmmm....27. I can honestly wow. Another year has passed. Its so strange looking back. I can remember being excited a kid waiting to get my youth over and wantiing to be an adult. Now being an adult I would like to go back and do a few things differently. LIke number one taking school more serious. I was too busy smoking pot, dealing drugs, and getting drunk to pay attention to school. I did enough to get me through it.I just wished I would have applied my self. Number two to have spent more time with my mother before she passed away. She was a sweet women and always raved about her little baby boy and telling everyone how proud she was of me. It would have been nice to have bonded a little more with her before she passed. Enough with regret I have plenty to be thankful for.

I have a wonderful husband who does what ever it takes to try to make me happy. Not everyone has that and I am incredibly thankful for that. He would rip apart the world for if thats what it would take to keep me safe. He is by my side all the time. I possibly have the worlds most caring man. This passed year I have gotten to know my extended family on my dads side and have learned alot about my family history. Its amazing learning about where your great grand parents where and how they strived to get through day to day live just trying to keep a roof over their head and food on the table. Most people today are more concerned about making sure they have 24 hour access to the internet anywhere in the world or that they are wearing designer clothing. Its funny how the worlds priorities have changed. just a few months ago we remodeled three rooms in the house. I may have went over budget a little but it looks great and we both love it. Looking at the rooms we remodeled we can see eachother in them. We may have had work done professionally but we painted walls and picked out colors and patterns and furniture together. These rooms represent us and an almost a milestone in our live. The fact that I may want but havent needed for anything is a comfort that I appreciate. I can open the cubboard or the frige and eat something when I am hungry and if there is nothing I want I can go out and get something. I can take a warm shower., and I can wear clean cloths. These are things that people dont think about. there arent needs these are comforts that we all need to recognize and become a lttle more appreciative.

The first 20 years were rough ones. The last 7 years of my life have been wonderful. The last year has been more than I could ever ask for. I may not be rich but I have a wonderful person by m side and together we can get through anything. With a friend like that the idea of having all the money in the world and being alone sounds horrible and lonely. I am thankful for what I have and I know who to thank for all of it. His name is Jason Neuf.

blah blah blah yackity smackity

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 15:33:57 GMT

     Well I went to my doctors appointment... I showed up 15 minutes early to fill out some information and they immediately called my name. They put me on a scale. Fully dressed i weigh 216. Then i was escorted to the examination room. I sat on the table. They took my blood pressure 129/90. Not horrible but not excellent either. It was probably cuz I was super nervous. I got a tetnis buster. My arm hurt for three days and i Felt super crapy but thats finally over. I get to go in next week for a diabetes test. Wich means I need to fast for 12 hours prior. THe doctores all like,"Well you can have water." wich is just fine and dandy but no coffee.. Damn them! Damn them all to HELL! but it needs to be done and they are going to check my chelesteral. Yeah FUN TIMES.

     Yesturday I went to a little family BBQ at Blanchette Park in Saint Charles MIssouri where I grew up. It was nice. My sister went to the nursing home and picked my dad up. Suprisingly my dad had three beers. He has never drank in front of me in my entire life except for a hot tottie when him or my mom had the flue. So that was different. I am sure if my mom was still alive she would have given him a lecture."Old man, you put the nasty beer down!" The kids ran and played on the slides and swings. We all played bad mitten and frizby. That was fun. I got a little work out. Dad retired early to his nursing home. I dont know what might have caused that.

       Towards the end we all sat around and talked about old times. All our expeiriences growing up. Some funny and some not so funny. Thats always my favorite part of a family gathering. We all had different experiences but shared some. Its interesting to hear the same story but from two different ends. Or hear a story about your self that you dont remember because you chose to black it out. All in all it was a fun day. I enjoyed it so much. One of the days that I wished I lived in Saint Charles again, unfortunatley my loving partner would never want to move there. Thats okay, I love him and our live is here in IL.

SO Called Bears

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 03:05:32 GMT

      Every one has a different discription of what a bear is. I have read books and watched documentaries. Not to mention I go to a local bear bar in St. Louis called JJ's Clubhouse. There are different attitudes, body builds, and walks of life who call themselves Bears and cubs. Some People think bears are stereotypically an overwieght gay man in his 40's with atleast facial hair if not a thick coat of body hair. There are terms like Bear, Cub, Otter, and several others. My partner and myself are active members in the St.louis Show Me Bears. We are a non profit organization that raises money for Charities like Camp hope. Last year we gave camp hope some where around  twenty thousand dollars. Its a great group of guys who volunteer their time to help others. All of them are different ages, body types, and come from different back grounds.

      I was really disturbed when I went to use a restroom at JJ's The other night. I walked in and there were two guys. One saything to the other, "I am not in to big guys." The other guys looks at him and agrees. Then he says."what happend to what a bear really is?" Then proceeds to say," In the 80's a bear was a mucular hairy guy and now a bear is just a fat guy." I was thrown. If anything the bear community is supposed to be the most accepting and welcoming group in the gay community. Like all groups and communities things change.

    I have noticed its almost become "Cool" for bears to say they arent bears they are who they are. Thats fine if you wish to be unique or not to a follower. If thats what you want. I on the other hand have no problem identifying myself as a bear. Funny enough this is coming from a guy who some wouldnt consider a bear or even a cub by some in the bear community. I can honesty say I am trying to be active in the community. Can you say the same about yourself in what ever community you may identify your self with?

feelin super blah

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:11:56 GMT

     Lately I have been just a mope. Not doing to much and feeling a bit disengaged. I have a bit of anxiety in my cubby belly. Nothing seems to make me feel better. It never fails, as soon as summer comes to a hault and fall starts to set in I get a little depressed. I suffer from untreated seansonal depression. Its hitting kinda early this year. It normaly doesnt happend until i can smell the crisp fall air. On top of that the fall holidays are rolling in like Hollween and yes Thanksgiving. Those are just precursers to the anniversary of my mothers death almost 5 years ago. I know..I know .... I am being a drama queen. There are people who are over dramatic but not lookin for a reason to have my jock in a bunch the emotions just kinda happen.

     On top of all that I have a doctors appointment next week. I am a little nervous. Only because its been a few years since i have been to one wich is why Jason made it for me. It occured to me the other day. I had ran in to a friend from highschool i havent seen in years. She told me."Jason....You have lost your baby face!" " You look more mature." well she can go to hell. I am gettin older. I am turning 27 years old this september. Diabetes runs on my mothers side of the family. My great grandpa died from complications of it. My grandfather died of complications of it and Diabetes was the main cause of my mothers death being undetected. It cost her the fuction of her kidneys. They both had shut down on her. Not to mention i do have a temper like my mother and she suffered from high blood pressure.

    I can here it now. "Mr. Forrest... you need to stop smoking and no more caffeine!" Blah...kill me know and get it over with..OKay Okay I will admit that was a bit over dramatic. I am glad Jason made my appointment for me. I really need a physical and a top to bottom checkup. I have been doing my best to keep my thumb on the whole Diabetes thing. I only use Splenda and Equal in my coffee and tea. I also switched to Diet Coke. So i am making an effort. I take my Vitamins when I should until I start forgetting to take them. I probably havent been doing so well with drinking enough water. Once the doctors appointment had come and gone I will be feeling better I am sure.

   Other than that I have been working on some digital art. I have made online friends with killerbob..lol ..he owns his own T-Shirt screen printing company. Talking to him has caused me to get back in to it. I didnt go to school or have a degree in Digtal art, its just a hobby of myne that I dabble in from time to time. It heps me relax and take my mind off of things so its a positive thing I guess.

    Just recently My friend bubba's husbear stayed with us for the night as he was passing through. Brian (monkey) didnt want to make the trip all the way from Jackson MS to Aimes IA in one shot. So Jon asked us if monkey could stay with us for the night to get some rest. Brian was a lot of fun. He was a bit shy at first but thats okay. He seemed down to earth, easy to talk to, and once he loosened up a bit I learned a lot about him. I am so happy for the both of them. its important to have someone you can count on and lean on in a more intimate fashion that just a buddy. Jason and I envited Bubba and monkey to spend a week with us in the Ozarks (Osage Beach Area) NO...its not a hidden Carribean getaway but its a slower paced area with some fun things to do and get to know eachother better. I cant wait and May cant get here fast enough.

Its been a long few months

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 18:32:01 GMT

well..... I must say a lot has happend. We remodeled three rooms in our house. we put new carpet down in the office and the bedroom. we painted the walls desert wind and the ceiling cove terracotta. we put new Texas beige ceraminc in the tv room installed on a 45 degree angle. we painted the whole room Terracotta. As scarey as it sounds it looks beautiful. We also had new baseboards installed and extra tall base boards installed in the tv room with the ceramice it looks great. we bought some new furniture for the tv room. I know you have seen them. The tables that are black metal with slate tile inserts, a wool rug, and a new couch and love seet along with new curtains in all the rooms. I am very pleased. it was a long road but we finally reached our destination. Living here for almost 7 years we have finally did some serious interior updates. Yaaaay.

                      A week and a half ago Jason and I had taken a friend to Casa giardo for brunch and did some running around. We were no more than a quarter mile from the house. We approached a stop light it had turned yellow so we slowed down and came to a stop once we had come to it. almost ten seconds went by and out of now where a big full size red chevy pickup rearended us. grrrrr. figures only two weeks from my family reunion and the car I was going to take because of its good gas mileage was toast. well luckily I get the rental tomorrow and I leave on my trip this friday for Thayer Missouri.

                      I cant wait to get there. not only to see my living family members who I have not met most of but i also get the visit the dead ones. While I am in town as morbid as it sounds I am going to go stomping around three grave yards. Its part of my genealogy research. I am going to visit the grave of my Great Great Great Grandfather Hezekiah Forrest. who is barried in a Cemetery that has almost been forgotten along with several of his children and his wife. Its called Blue Mound Cemetery. Funny enough there is a sign on the side of the road and it says Bleu Mound Cementary.lol. Then to Cotton Creek Cemetery to visit the graves of my Great Great Grandfather Dr. Martin Forrest and my Great grand father Benjamin Forreest and then Finally to Bailey Cemetary to visit the Grave of my Grandfather Perry Forrest. This trip is kinda like my Holy Grail. I dont understand my fascination with my roots but its a path thats been put in front of me and I plan to walk it. After this I would love to go to Benton County TN. Thats where Hezekiah lived before moving to sourthern MO. He was a founder of a Baptist Church I would love to walk through. Its just the idea that I am walking in the same spots my line has walked a hundred plus years ago and that just excites me.

                    While I am down there my niece is going to be with me and I am going to take here to Mamouth Springs. Its once of the Largest freshwater springs in the united states. I was in an awl when my father took me there when i was 9. I hope she appreciates it as much as I did when i was young. Plus it will be interesting to see something that I havent seen in 18 years to get a new perspective on it. there is a catfish hatchery there and after they reach a certain size they release them in o the spring. Its going to be fun. I have butterflys in my stomach like a small kid the night before going to a theme park.

I have started orgainizing my genealogy by surname by creating surname presentations. I have almost completed two out of five. once i have all them completed my 5 mini voume series I can start handing out what needs to go to cetain people. After all that i can start maintaining it. Hopfully a co-worker of myne will have my chest complete. its totally custom, I have never seen anything quite like it. My dept manger who has his masters in furnature design helped me coming up with the design for it. It will be something i can pass on to the future generations.

where are your bothers when ya need'em

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 00:58:58 GMT

     Growing up I only knew one of my brothers, John. I have three for crying out load but the other the two I didnt meet until my late teens. There are a total of nine kids in my family. Three boys , four girls, me and my younger sister born in order. There is quite an age difference between me and most of my siblings especially my brothers and I. My eldest brother joined the army when my mother was pregnant with me. My brother Delbert was and still is kinda of a free spirit. All i knew about my eldest brother Tony, and second eldest Delbert were the stories that my parents and sibllings told me. I heard bits and pieces about them at family bbq's and the holidays

    John would take me out from time to time. I can remember the times he took me to see the stock cars race or fishing. He was pretty family oriented and was always telling jokes and acting goofy at family gatherings. He had a family of his own but atleast took the time to spend a few moments with me. I can remember when i was about 16 he used his income tax check and bought an unasslembled engine for his mustang. It was a 1882 four cylinder mustang LX. He wanted to turn it in to a rumblin 8 cylinder monster. I watched him for a full year in his work shop build the egine from parts starting with putting the rings on the pistons. Every day I walked over to his house and watched him assemble it piece by piece. We didnt even talk that much. I just stood there, watched him, and handed him tools when he needed one. Finally he finished it. I helped him drop in it in. along with putting a crown victorian transmission with some custom adjustments. As excited as he was when he finished it he sold it. Since then John has lost touch with the real world after the divorce. He is homeless and living out of his van somwhere.

    I didnt meet Tony until i was 17 a junoir in highschool. His wife had been fighting brain cancer and couldnt fight any longer. She convinced him that it was time to see his family. He came and stayed a few days. I was in a awe. He was a short chunky guy with salt and pepper hair and glasses. Nothing like what I had pictured growing up from the stories of his days of being in the secret service being built like a body builder. He was a little up tight but seemed like a nice guy. The last time I talked to Tony I had just graduated a year late and moved in with my sister at his request. I had given him a call letting him know that I had finally graduated highschool. He asked me why I prolonged my highschool career and told me in his words,"you just had to take the long road didnt ya." That was the last time we talked. That was almost eight years ago.

    My brother Delbert moved back to the area from South Carolina only a few months after Tony had visited. He was obviously strung out on something and paranoid about someone trying to kill him. He swore the mob had a hit out on him. He eventually calmed down, gained a little weight and moved in with mom and dad. We didnt bond that well. Him and my baby sister Rachel took to eachother real well. He became her protector. After she dropped out of highschool he let her move in with him. Our relationship consists of having a few laughs over the phone or at a family gathering and keeping eachother at arms lengh. He said something to me when he first came back that still sticks with me. He said,"bubba, The world is ah spinning and your just gonna have to try to hang on." I think that would apply if I had lived the wild life he had lived. Living on the street at the age of 13 giving old men in back allies oral sex to make money to get his fix until he was big enough to hit them over the head and steal their wallet. He is a 48 year old shell of his former self. He sports a mullet with a bald spot on top. He has a couple teeth. He is missing two fingers and a small toe.

    The lack of having a relationship with any of them had made me bitter for a while but I got over it a long time ago. I fortunately have great sisters who envite me to their home and are very accepting of my life partner, and I. They are all wonderful women. They all have lives with rough ups and downs but always take the time to pick up the phone and chat for a bit. I love all my siblings they are who they are. I cant judge them for what they did or how they are now. All I can do is accept them with open arms and hope they live so that I might see them one more time before this world becomes thier past tense.

Winds of the Pentecost

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 02:25:17 GMT

     Wow....being the son of a preacher. It was interesting growing up. I have mentioned my mothers routine before of rollers and aquanet. After my mom was ready for her sunday moring excursion It was time to get us kids ready. My mom would get a pair of my Faded but clean wrangler jeans that looked like highwaters, a plain polo, and my strap shoes. Then my dad would call me in to the bedroom. He would comb baby oil in my hair and slick it back and rub Bruit ( his favorite cologne) across my face. Then it was my sisters turn.

     My mom would untangle my sisters hair and that was always a horrible experience for all of us. My mom would stand over my sister while she sat in one of the kitchen chairs and comb out the tangles that had formed like concrete in her shoulder length hair over night. She would scream and cry. All that did was make the situation worse since all she really managed to do was make mom angry. In retaliation my mom would just pull harder on the tangles. My mom would get out one of her dresses that my sister hated. which caused her to throw a fit. One spanking and two puffy eyes later it was time to go.

     We would crawl in to the my dads old pickup. The smell of a hot truck would hit you as soon as you opened the door. We would crawl across the tools caked with grease and the cracked vinyl bench seat. We tried our hardest not to get dirty and we knew what would happen if we did. I would sit next to my dad who was driving. My mother sat next to the passenger door and my sister next to her. It was a tight squeeze. If my mom was in a good mood the drive to church wasnt too bad. If she was upset well...look out.

     My mom was a sweet women but she was also mentally ill. She suffered from schizophrenia but we didnt know that until many years later. She would get on these tangents where she would claim my dad was cheating on her with the piano player at church. Then it was them bickering back and forth at one another. My dad would get aggravated because there was no convincing her otherwise. So he would antagonize her. He would start agreeing with her and she would become more angry and upset. Thus a hellish 25 minute drive to church in the hot humid heat. Eventually usually as we approached the church parking lot. My mom had quieted down but her eyes showed how mad she was.

     We would get out of the truck and walk up to the side walk towards the church. The smell of the freshly cut grass would hit our noses as we approached the side door of the building. My dad would open the door and the sound of guitars and laughter hit our ears. My parents would start shaking hands and hugging their friends that they referred to as brother such'n'such or sister such'n'such. Everyone would be clutching their bible. there were all shapes, sizes, textures. Some were new, and some very old and tattered. Looking back one of the things that really stood out to me were the overwhelming smells.

    My mom apparently wasn't the only women who went buck wild with the musk and my father wasnt the only man who would slather him self with cologne. You could smell the scents clashing in the air. It turned in to almost a stench. The expensive perfumes and the dollar store body sprays battled out their own armageddon. This battle saturated the walls, carpets, and even the pews. We would make our way to seat our selfs. My mom always sitting near the back. My dad would approach the front and sit with what you might consider the church council. The coucil consisted of the Pastor, the associate paster (my father), and the youth pastor. They would sit on their throwns behind the pulpit. My father would strike a few strings. The piano player would strike a few keys and then it was time for hymns. Amazing Grace would echo off the high ceilings. There would be a few amens yelled and it was time for the sermon.

    The preacher would talk about gossiping and how it corrupted the church. while these words spewed from his mouth the old women would whisper fowl words about one another to one another. The pastor would start getting excited. He would start yelling and stomping. Jumping up and down like he was throwing a tantrum. Sweat would start running down his brow. He would grab a handkerchief out of his back pocket and wipe it. His voice demanded attention. By this time all eyes were fixated on him. Hands would start raising palms to the sky. Amen and halleluiah were the only words you could hear above the pastors words. The pastor would start running up and down the walkway. down the center and around the outside of the pews running the diameter of the church. He would hit each pew and he ran past in excitement. By this time a any 6 year old would have a splitting headache and I did.

    I would try to find comfort underneath the pews at my mothers feet. the vibration of the jumping and stomping of the pastors feet rumbled under my ears. All I could see by this time were the feet passing the pew that I was laying under making their way to the front to kneel down before their spiritual leader to be saved. there was usually an initial touch by the pastor, then a callapse. Aftewards a foreign language came out of their mouths. Like someone else was speaking out of them. I would awake with druel running down the side of my jaw and the pattern of the carpet fibers imprinted on my cheek. My parents would shake hands, give hugs, and fellowship for a few minutes. Then it was time to head home, change cloths, and eat. My mom would fry chicken and make her superb mashed potatoes. They would nap for a couple hours and then it was time to head back out to church for the eveing service. ROUND TWO..........

Your origins dont Dictate your Life

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 02:29:48 GMT

      If there is anything that I have learned in life its that your origins dont dictate your life. We all begin our life in different places. Some begin in Trailer Parks on the rundown side of town, Some of us begin our life in Large mansions, and most fall inbetween .  Growing up in a poor family is hard. Trying to dream of a better life, hoping one day it will end, or that you will wake up from the horrible nightmare that you live in day to day. Its easy to see why most people stay in the similar financial circumstances that they were raised in. I was fortunate enough to be dug out of my poverty stricken life.

      I have respect for people who take in strays. I was a stray myself, and dont know where I would be without someone's selfless act of taking me in and setting me on the right path. Most my early teenage years I spent gettting drunk, and high. I was having a lot of fun. It was a way for me to become numb to my life at home and to avoid dealing with my sexuality. Even though I was a preacher's kid my parents were to absorbed in their church cermons and what they were going to sing that sunday to really notice what I was doing. I was 14 stumbling in at 1am stoned out of my mind on a school night. Most parents would be waiting up for their children at that age wondering how they are going to punish them . My mom was up but she was too busy listening to her police scanner to pay me any notice. I spent more time on the streets than at home. I thought i had found a family little did I realize that most of my so called family would have beat the hell out of me if some one would have offered them a quarter bag to do it.

      It wasnt until I met my good friend Jesse in highschool that someone really tried to make me realize what i was doing. I was 16 years of age. My friend Jesse had become pretty close. Spending most of our days hanging out playing video games. His mother and stepfather made me feel so welcome. Jesse would complain about all that he didnt have. I would look around. He had clean cloths, a clean home, and a full refrigerator. I thought he was nuts. I would always do stuff around the house. If his parents were out I would do the dishes, sweep and mop the floor. I guess they saw potential cuz they never made me leave.

     Eventaully I was living there. I had all my cloths there. I showered, ate, and slept at their home. It had become my home. I had beome their "basement dweller" as they like to call me. They helped me when i needed to study for a test. They always made plenty for dinner and usaully asked me if I wanted seconds. I was so happy. Usually when people think of their childhood home they think about their room under there parent's roof. When I think of my childhood home I see Sandy and Erics home. I always feel good when I visit with them. I feel like i am truely at home with them. I knew that my stay there would some day have to come to an end.

     I promised Sandy ,and Eric once I graduated highschool I would be moving out. I ment to keep my promise to them. After all They put up with me for almost four years living in their basement.  I had taken an offer to move in with my sister and nephew Shea to help her out. I moved to Wood RIver IL that following summer. It was a huge adjustment. There was really nothing to do. I didnt have a job at first and didnt have a car. I eventually got a job waiting tables at Ponderosa. It was an OK job. I made about 45 bucks a day working four days a week. Which was enough to pay my sister rent and my half of the groceries on top of my daily cab fare.

    There were times where I would tag along with my sister to her friends house. Her friend didnt mind me getting online so that usually what i did once i arrived there. I discovered gay.com which was the only contact I had with the gay community. There is where I met the love of my life. Jason was 24 and I was 20. My teeth were falling out of my head and I had little to offer a relationship. We went on a few dates and I realized that he was the one for me. However a head full of rotting teeth and waiting tables wouldn't win him over.

     I got a job working in a warehouse for the same company as my sister. I managed to pick a car up from one of the doc managers for 1500 bucks. I tried my best to make him realize that I was taking our relationship serious. He was house sitting for a uncle who was in hospice care. I spent almost all of my time that I wasn't at work with him. There eventually came a time where I had a descision to make. I was technically still living at my sisters and she had met someone. I could either move back to St. Charles MO or to Arizona with some friends but was leaning towards Arizona. I brought it this to his attention. Either of my options were no good for our relationship but I wasnt sure if he wanted to take the next step and didnt want to force it upon him.

    We were sitting in the TV room. I told him what my options were and started to cry. I didnt want to lose him. He ment the world to me but I had to be able to walk away. He gave me a big hug and asked me to move in with him. His uncle passed away and he bought the house he had been living in. I moved in two months later. Since then I have had to learn and lot about life and unlearn what i thought i knew. Street smarts dont help you in a relationship. Its now been 6 1/2 years. Its been a great 6 1/2 years. I wouldnt trade them for anything else in the world. Jason has shown me so much. He has changed my opinion of the world and what can be obtained by those who try to make a difference in their own life and not just sit around and dream about it. He is the most remarkable person in my life.

numbers, dates, and names

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 02:37:46 GMT

     well....I spent a large part of my morning working on my genealogy. I had my box of stuff out. Large, medium, and small envelopes of all different colors scattered accross my Dining room table. My 370 gig external hardrive was humming like an army tank, and my printer was buzzing. I was pecking at my keyboard, drinking my extra strong coffee that was cold for sitting to long, and my Bose background noise reducing headphones cranked to with Dirty Vegas playin on 'em. I smoked about every 20 minutes.As I was reading and typing I am either rediscovering something I had forgotten or I have noticed something totally new that i had accidently looked over. YEP!!!! I was excited.

     Seconds, Minutes, and yes hours had passed. I had a great afternoon. I had just recently recieved a package from my grandfather's niece. It was full of information I already have and tons of information that I didnt have. So i started blending my charts and her charts together. That ended in something almost breath taking for me. It was a work of art in my eyes. A cohesive line of people, birthdates, death dates, children and marriages. It had tid bits of odd facts that helped me relate to how my ancestors lived centuries ago.

     I feel like i have accomplished a lot today. One step closing to just having to maintain it with current information. The bonus with the past is whats happend has happend.. but tomorrow and every day for the rest of my life there will be births, deaths, marriages, and family events that we need to be recorded. I am sure this sounds boring to a lot of people. Life passes all of us by. I just choose to record their happenings.

ROUGH WEEK

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 01:58:48 GMT

WELL...work has begun. The last week has been super rough. As soon as I got back from vacation my department manager went on vacation. All I can say is wow. They are getting their money out of me. Its been run, run, run, since I have gotten back. There have been a ton of Carpet claims which are my thing. I am good at them. If a customer has carpet installed through lowes I help them get it replaced if its defective. Sometimes its very easy and sometimes Its like have to fight giant. Its a draining process. You can safely assume that the manufacturers arent always cooperative. Then you have the customers who basically purchase cardboard and act like they have bough some expensive plush carpet. Well when it comes to carpet warranties you get what you pay for. The customers always say," well I am the customer and the customers always right."....... WRONG answer your are the weekest link. do not pass go . do not collect 200 dollars...lol

Dont get me wrong. I enjoy what I do and I am good at it. Some people for what ever reason feel they can dump all over you. I know when I go to any store. I behave, I watch my tongue, and I try to be a good customer. Sometimes you have to be a pain in the butt, However you should always try to let people in the retail service industry do their job and see what happens. Just remember when you walk in to a store rather your shopping for a tv, food, clothing, or for a specific service there is no reason to be rude to these people. They usually get paid a small wage and are over worked. Do your best to be a good customer.

My lifes work.

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 20:00:46 GMT

     I think its very important that one knows their origins. This nation was created on the backs of our ancestors. It doesnt matter who you are. Your race, color, creed, Nationality or sexual orientation. We are all descendants of creators of this great land. Since the beginning of time people have lived, hunted, and farmed this land. Making it their own. We walk out our front door and see the streets, homes, buldings, and communities that now stand. Most dont think of what was here even before the industrial revolution.

     Growing up a rare treat it was when my mother opened her steamer trunk. It was full of old photos, documents and our prior school years books and crafts. She opened it maybe once a year. It was kind of exciting. She would sort through the pictures telling us who the people were in them. She would start laughing telling us memories of her father, mother, siblings, and grandparents. Then the trunk was closed, locked and covered to be almost forgotten until the next time it was to be opened. This is where "My lifes work" comes in to play

     November 2003 two days before thanks giving is when my mother passed, which i have previously talked about in my journal. My sisters and I knew it was time to sort through the steamer trunk. Picture by picture and document by document we devided up what was in it. At the end of that afternoon we all had our little stacks of what not from the trunk and we took them home. Each of us putting it in our own little box of memories. Most of the people in the pictures we didn't know or didnt remember who mom had said they were. Dad tried helping us but he was a poor reference. Several years had passed and I was bored. So i decided to open up my little box of memories.

     It really struck me looking at there very old black and white pictures.  Am i going to end up likes this? Am i going to just be a photo with out a name in years to come? Lets be honest, I am a young man who is gay. I have no "legally" documented marriage, or child. With out a child to carry on my name I will be forgotten in time. This really upset me. I was at a loss for words. Thus it begun.

    I started creating charts, reference sheets and contacting relatives. I got to do a video interveiw with my great aunt on my mothers side. She was able to fill in a lot blanks and tell me who the people were in the photos. I bought a geneology record book and started filling it out. I was able to fill in a lot of the charts. I had gotten in contact with distant relation through the message boards on genealogy.com. whom sent me more information than I could ever ask for. I offered money but they didnt want it and were just glad to be able to just help.

    The point of all of this is one day my neices and nefues will be able to open a trunk of secret treasures and be able to know where they came from. They will have a map, key, and legend. That will point them in any direction they want. They will be able to see where they came from and the only effort will be the turning of a page or looking up a surname of their four fathers. How ever one day I will find a neice or nefue who will want to inherit the responsability of maintaining their heritage. Its something that almost calls to your heart. You have to really want it. I am just glad that one day as one of the descendants of my siblings becomes curious or has a school project they will find out who started all of this for them. They will breath life in to my memory . Bringing my essence back from the grave.

    I believe that when someone talks about old times. They bring back a part of the people they are talking about. Its almost like they are right there laughing, joking, crying, or whatever emotions their memories might trigger. I wont be a forgotten name or an unknown face in a picture. I will continue to live on the only sad thing is that i wont be able to witness the fruits of my labor but thats ok. I have the satisfaction of knowing that in the end my goal will be achieved

The most incredible women in my life..

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 03:07:21 GMT

     Today I was talking to my bud Jon. My mother came up in conversation and memeories started flowing. She was a wonderful women. She Sacrificed a lot for us kids. Having nine children she was pregnant for a large portion of her life. You do the math nine kids at 9 months give or take. She never really had much as far as material things in her life. Putting cloths on our back and food in our bellies was the most important thing to her. She fought to keep us alive like a mother lion. She cared for and protected us from all that would harm us. She even sacrificed her well being. Giving birth to nine chilrden can drain a women, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

     Growing up in St.charles County on Edward Street. Which currently doesnt exist anymore. The property was bought out to make way for Interstated 370. The house wasnt much to look at but it started out as a two room house. She was one of 6 children, and the oldest of them. Six children in a two room house had to be hectic. Her mom was a stay at home mother. Her father was a man of many trades. At one point and time he ran a wood mill next to his home to makes ends meat. She had to drop out of school in the 7th grade to help her mother to take care of her siblings. So you realize she wasnt a very educated women. She met my father when she was 16 years old. I know why my dad fell in love with her. I have one of her pictures from her youth. She looked like a movie star, she was absolutely stunning. They got married shortly after she met my father who was 21 at the time. She gave birth to my brother Anthony soon after that.

     They moved from shack to schack, No one place being better than the next. If anything through the years my mother had to care for her ever growing family with less an less available to her. My Father went from Working in the Sheet metal workers union to Hauling junk. She had aged since they frist met. She had lost her hour glass figure, her flawless complection, and her perfect teeth. She was sporting silver shoulder length hair stained from the well water. Well water atleast where i grew up in St. Charles County contained large amounts of Iron and was  undrinkable. Her first 5 chilrdren had moved out and moved on. Then her 6th moved out and in with one of their older siblings to escape being called whilte trash in the small river community. By that time the only thing she had that she could really call hers was the music that she practiced and sang on sunday morning.

     Ahhh... Sunday mornings at the Forrest house hold. My mom would get up extra early to remove her curlers and iron out her outfit. The bathroom would smell like dollar store musk and Aquanet. Her talcom powder would turn in to a paste like resadew from all the excess hairspray that hit the floor. It was the one day that mom cared about what she looked like. It was her day. More years pass. Her health declines. She discovers she is Diabetic. Probably from drinking several liters of soda a day. Her health further declines when its discovered that her diabetes was discovered to late. She startes to suffer from kidney failure. The doctor tells her if she doesnt start dialysis she will die.

     Eventually she has to have the operation to have s shunt put in so that she can start the dialysis treatment. By this time she has less than 10% usage of one kidney left. The doctor tells her that she might have 5 good years if she keeps up with the treatments and stays on a strict diet. Well she had about 5 years but none of them were good. She didnt eat like she was supposed to. She didnt take her medication, and suffered from staph infection several times and had spent much of the last two years in and out of the hospital.

     Its a couple days before thanksgiving. I had just gotten off of work and had planned on heading to the hospital to visit my mother. I had talked to her earlier that day. They had discovered she had an ulcer. I stopped by a buds house on the way to the hospital just to stay hello. I stayed later than I anticipated. Something told me to go visit her but it was only a couple days from Thanksgiving and I would be seeing her
soon. She was to receive a dialysis treatment and go home the next day. I had gotten a call the next morning. I got the call that everyone fears but expects to happen someday in their life. The phone call from your sibling in tears letting you know that one of your parents had died.

     I dont write this cuz I am a huge drama queen. I write this to remind people that they should visit their parents.Time continues to pass well after we are all gone. Dont hesitate to visit your Parents no matter how inconvenient . Dont let the worlds most incredible person pass you by with out thanking them first.... no regrets.

the first day back to reality

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 00:38:16 GMT

      Well today was the first day back to work. The office wasnt in shambles but my absence was felt by my two coworkers. Sarah another coordinator missed me so much and was very happy to see me. My deptartment manager mark stressed out pretty bad. Trying to fill in my shoes and do what he normally does but thats a different topic in its self. Jasons first day back was yesturday and he was exhausted but he is covering the store while is manager is out of town on vacation. I am glad to be back home I must say.

      We left with rain and came back to one day of good weather. Its raining as my fingers hit the keys and is supposed to rain for the next few days off and on. April isnt here yet but its already brough on its rain. I will be much happier when May brings flowers. I am cyclic depressive or suffer from seasonal depression. The last couple years havent been bad. I use meditation to keep it in check and it does really work. However I will say I am much happier when the sun is shining. My skin just absorbs the suns rays. I also enjoy the longer days.

     During the spring I start to pick up the yard, clean under the carport, start weeding the large flower bed in front of the house, and watch my Butterfly tree start to pop its Violet blooms. It actually does drawl a number of butterflies to our home. Monarchs mostly for what ever reasons and cacoons enveloped our trees in the back yard. I need to stain and reseal the deck here soon. Its a task in itself but I dont mind getting my hands dirty, and hanging out side the house. Hopefully we can get some more grass to grow in the back yard. Last year we seeded it. It took pretty well but struggled a little. It looks like about 60% of the grass it is going to return this year. As long as I can keep jason from the lawn mower all will be well. Atleast keep him from putting oil in it. He is an Eagle Scout which it kind threw me that they dont teach the scouts stuff like basic car maintenance,but I will admitt he does try. I am so lucky to have a great guy like him by my side taking care of me.

Well back to the the grind

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 16:53:35 GMT

     Jason had to work today. Blah, the day after getting back from vacation. I usually like taken the day after to readjust back to the reality of day to day life. Jason Works for ALDI Foods. Aparently they are having a presidential visit today. So like a good husband should I got a spare uniform pressed for him with all the creases in the right places. They have him working 12 hour shifts for the next three days. I wont be seeing him to much this week. Thats usually how it works though. I am in retail and he is grocery. Sometimes days and even a week passes before we really get to spend time with eachother but we manage to work around it.

     Today I woke up and took Reggie one of my dogs to the vet to get groomed. Then I came home and cleaned the house and started some laundry. I am just going to just sit back and relax most of the day and hang with the dogs. I missed them so much while we were in dallas. Reggie is German short haired pointer, she weighs about 55 lbs. Java (my little cup of coffee) is a german shepherd, Husky mix, she weighs about 88 lbs. She is a big "o" lap dog. They are my babies. I love them both so much and dont know what i would do without them. Java is so aware of how i am feeling. If i am feeling down or sick she stays close. She is my protector.

     Tomorrow *as i squirm just thinking about it* I have to go back to work. I work at Lowes in the Installed Sales Department. I coordinate installations for customers. I am the middle made between the customer and the installer. Making sure that the installers contact the customer and give them an installation date that they are happy with. I also review all the purchases and contracts to make sure that the salesman has ordered or set up the product the customers really wants and make sure that the square footage or requirments that the installers have given are met so a smooth install takes place. I also deal with manufacturers with their warranties to make sure that if a customer has gotten defective product the vendor replaces it and pays for the replacement product and for the labor.

     I work in a tiny office in the back, and I dont have to work on the salesfloor to often. Some people might call me lucky. However I still have to deal with customers. I just dont have to deal with customers face to face but over the phone. In the 3 years i have worked in that department I have come to the realization that people are more ruthless when they are not talking to you in person. I have had to adjust and grow a thick skin so to speak but I suppose thats just part of working in customer service.

     Thats all for now. I am going to take a shower, and get my pup from the vet . Then sit on the back deck drink some coffee, and enjoy my last day of vacation. Then i have to get dinner ready for my hubby. I havent quite figured out what thats going to be. I may pick us up a couple steaks from Outback.

TBRU Week

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 03:28:31 GMT

     This past weekend was Tbru (Texas Bear Round up). I had a wonderful time. I got to meet a lot great guys. I also got to Finally meet a bud from online. His name is Jon. We have been chatting online for sometime now. He really wanted to go to TBRU and to help him out to save a little extra cash i asked if he would be interesting in splitting the cost of the room. I am glad he took the offer. I think I found a life long friend. Jon is a quality guy which in this world is a rare thing. He is genuine, Kind Hearted, and is someone I will never forget no matter what happens.  A couple buds from Indiana were at the run and one them poored a bottle of beer down the front of my jeans. He was drunk. and god lovem he didnt mean anything by it. However i was pretty toasted my self. We all know emotions and drinking dont mix to well. I had tried to blow it off. I went up to the room and changed my jeans but at the same time my feelings had been kinda hurt and with all the beer i had drank that day my emotions were hard to keep in check. Jason my partner tried to calm me down but he never knows how to handle me when i become emotional. Jon came up to the room and helped calm me down. As much as i hate drama in any situation i was caught up in it. Jon was being a good friend and helped me realize that you have to forgive and forget..thanks Jon.

     My Parner Jason felt bad cuz he thought that he may have socially brought me down at the Bear run.. uggh... ya know you try and try to tell your better half how much you lovem and they just dont listen. I wouldnt trade him for anything. He isnt what you would consider to be a typical bear but he is a great guy and being a bear isnt abount appearance but about personality. However He did realize that he needs to be a little more socialble and not such a wall flower  We decided we are going to Join the Show me Bears of St.louis. It would be great way for Jason and myself to get involved in the local bear community and get to know everyone.

    One of the dallas bears was giving a speech of sorts on sunday he said something that caught my attention. He talked about the bear brotherhood and when a member of bear community is in trouble and needs help he should be able to call on his buds. That really spoke to me. Being part of the bear community isnt just a scene its much larger. Its being a part of a family. You love your brothers and sisters cuz there are your brothers and sisters. you kinda have to. You dont get to pick your siblings. However you do get some say in who your friends are. I must say that I havent been doing my part. I have had friends lately that have been dealling with be caught in the middle of a property flip with all the issues of the market being what they are, a friend who has lost his father, and that Dallas bear made me realize that i have been selfish and If i am not there to take care of these wonderful people during these hard times who will be there for me when i really need someone. My goal this year is to try to put others needs before my own and help those who really need it .